Cultivate Mentoring Lab

Guest post: Cultivation that's lead to courage

29/6/2016

Nicola joined Cultivate in our inaugural Summer 2016 cohort. In this guest blog, she reflects on the role her mentor has played in her life this year.

Cultivation that's lead to courage: Some say that structure is best, but I have to disagree.
By Nicola Cloherty

When Jessica shared her idea about Cultivate, I was so excited, not only for her, but for all women in New Zealand. We think we have come along way in terms of gender equality, but it’s the first time the U.S. have seen a woman in the running for president, and Helen Clark is campaigning to be the UN’s first female leader. It’s fair to say that women in New Zealand workplaces still need support if the likes of Hilary and Helen are still trying to break the glass ceiling!

I am honoured to lend my digital community building skills to Cultivate as a Partner, but what’s more incredible is having a mentor through the programme. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have been partnered with Marianne Elliott - The Zen Peacekeeper. A humble and incredible soul who I actually admired before Cultivate. I first saw Marianne speak at TEDxWellingtonWomen in 2015 - she spoke of courage and her story sunk deep into my soul on a personal level. I then saw her speak at Extraordinary Tales of Strength and Daring where she opened up her soul and shared it with audience, so kindly and rawly. Then I read her book - if you haven’t, you should read it - Zen Under Fire. So it’s safe to say that I was a huge fan of Marianne and almost crapped my pants when I was paired with her!

During the first mentor lab (which I was at in my Cultivate capacity, not as a mentee), Trustee and HR guru Samantha Gadd talked about strategies and tactics for ‘Effective Mentoring’. Sam said there was no one way for mentors and mentees to structure their sessions, it is situational and needs to work for both parties. We heard mentors discuss the need for structure and clear goals from the outset - Marianne and I sat there, looked at each other and gave a nervous ‘Oh, S&%T!’ sort of giggle. We’d had two sessions by this point, and no structure. We were finding out more about each other and how we could work together, trying to decipher the areas I needed most support on and connecting - which in my humble opinion, is worth its weight in gold!

During the first two weeks of my Cultivate programme my partner and I decided to relocate to Holland, which meant looking at my work situation critically, and forcing me to think about what my next step should be. I was in denial for the first month that I had to leave my beloved Flick, so I procrastinated (as I do so well!) and floated around telling people that I didn’t want a new job, and I might try to do my own thing, but I wasn’t sure. I struggled to commit!

In my heart of hearts, I knew that I should seize this opportunity by doing something different; something of my own. I love marketing-communications and branding and digital, and any opportunity to help small businesses or people flourish - so why not consult? Marianne and I discussed this option, and getting a ‘normal job’ (is there such thing?!). Something deep inside me said, give it a go and try it out - if you fail, you will learn. If you don’t try, you will always wonder.

Marianne’s mentorship has been paramount in helping me find the courage to try something new! She listened to my story, with no judgment; she helped me craft what my work options could look like, should I take either path - working for myself or an organisation; she encouraged me to assess the two objectively and to talk to my partner; and she worked with me to craft my offering.

And then I actually pitched to her - I was so scared - you feel like an absolute numpty at the time, but ridiculously empowered after! I had to work out what problem was I going to solve, how I would solve it, how I should pitch it to small business owners, what makes me different to an agency or other consultants.

So, three months into our Cultivate journey, I have pitched and contacted nine companies that I could service and there are many more on my hitlist! I’ve been recommended by friends already - so to those who say word of mouth isn’t as strong as it used to be, that’s an utter fib! Word of mouth is what gave Cultivate the ‘problem’ of having 60 mentees and only 20 mentors, it then helped find more mentors, IRL and through social media.

And now I have to say thanks. Firstly to Jessica and the Trustees for cultivating such a programme that has enriched my life in such a short space of time, and genuinely supporting many sisters with this incredibly valuable programme. And to Marianne, who is not only a mentor, but someone I trust and value wholly. I wouldn’t be putting myself out there if I didn’t have her encouragement, teaching and friendship. Thank you.

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Lessons from the first 100 days

10/3/2016

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100 days ago I had a coffee with Anna Guenther and asked her to be a mentor for this wee mentoring programme I was setting up...

I’d knocked a website together, approached a couple of trustees, and was sounding out wonderful women I knew about whether they have time, energy and inclination to be mentors.

I mentioned that I was hoping to get ten or so applicants to run a pilot and see how it went.

She raised a sceptical eyebrow before observing, “I think you’ll get more than that.”

Of course she was right. Because she’s Anna. But also because the drivers that had led me to form Cultivate were as relevant as my gut told me.

My experiences of being a woman at work were shared by many many women.

When we parted ways she asked what more she could do. “Can I tweet about it?”. “Of course!”

She did. And the applications flooded in – nearly 100 of them. For the next two-months women wrote to us about their vulnerability and insecurity, their aspirations and frustrations.

And women started approaching us, offering to be mentors, to run seminars, inviting us to events, and just being all-round supportive of what we are trying to do.

The past 100 days has been an extraordinary journey. Here’s what I’ve learnt.

1. Beginning is everything
I’m an ideas kid. Always have been. But I also have long history of being crippled by ridiculously high expectations of myself, and the fear that my ability to execute won’t live up to my vision.

But when Anna asked if she could tweet about Cultivate I had to commit. Right then. And I did, and it was brilliant. As soon as Cultivate was out in the world the adrenalin kicked in – I have no choice now but to make this amazing.

To all the chronic perfectionists with big ideas – just begin.

2. We are more alike than different
As the applications started coming in I poured over every word, empathising with the authors about their lack of confidence; their stalled development; their stress about balancing family life.

I saw the same words time and again. “I’m having a confidence crisis.” “My voice isn’t heard.” “I don’t know how to take the next step up.” “I get left out.” “I’m letting everyone down.”

But one application has sat heaviest in my heart. Application #8 talked about all of these things, then concluded: “I worry I’m not worthy enough, that people won’t like me or what I have to say, or the way in which I do it. I worry that I will disappoint.”

These words express the underlying sentiment in almost every application. Women want to feel valid. And they want to be valued.

And these words were written by a woman I was about to approach to be a mentor. A woman with multiple successes, who I have admired for a long time – who I was almost too afraid to email, such is her brilliance!

Our struggle is universal, and this is why Cultivate.

3. The sisterhood is real
I am terrible at asking for help. T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. So, as the tsunami of applications rolled in, the prospect of having to ask dozens of women to be mentors became increasingly terrifying. What if they say no?

Of course the minute I started asking that panic melted away. People want to help. Anna said yes. Tash said yes. Kristen said yes. And the women who said no offered to help in other ways.

Women are wonderful. We are a sisterhood.

4. Women are ready for the fight
In the past fortnight we’ve started introducing women to their Cultivate mentors. I was unprepared for the gratitude and the passion for this opportunity. The many thank-you emails have all reflected a deep desire for personal growth.

Women want to take control of their work lives. They want to be happy at work. They want to succeed.

And we want to enable them to fight for better work, better pay, better opportunities, better treatment.

Early and mid career women especially shouldn’t have to wait until they are in line for a management or a governance role to be helped up. They should be supported at every step on the journey to building a meaningful and enriching career.

Cultivate is about helping individuals navigate a broken system, and our applicants are ready for the fight.

5. I am vulnerable
But the most confronting of the first 100 days was day 71 – our official launch.

I began with a mihi whakatau, then acknowledged my white-cis-hetero-middle class-educated privilege, before sharing the personal experiences that had shaped my thoughts and feelings about women in work.

And it was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’d written about some of these things in the past. But I’d never so publicly spoken about them. And it’s only in the course of my Cultivate journey that I have verbalised for the first time, initially to a handful of women and then to that room, that I was sexually assaulted at work as a 20-year-old.

My hands shook, I mashed my words, and I became hyper-conscious of the sweat forming all over my face. Despite years of calm and collected public speaking, I was a mess. I was terrifyingly vulnerable.

I’ve realised in the past 100 days that I haven’t checked all my baggage.

In fact, perhaps it’s a wound that’s opening more as I korero with more women about our shared experiences. And maybe I’ll become more vulnerable as my daughters get older, and I feel their struggles and frustrations right in the deepest part of my chest like only a mother can.

But, I am grateful to have this opportunity to uncover my strengths alongside a wonderfully diverse, driven group of women.

E iti noa ana, nā te aroha.

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A pie and a blow job, thanks.

12/7/2015

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My first brush with the idea that work is different for women

By Jessica Venning-Bryan

Until I was 18, I believed girls could do anything. My parents encouraged me to think big. My school principal did the same. It was only at my first job during uni that I encountered the feeling that I was worth less than my male colleagues.

It was lunchtime. A customer walked into the trade area of the store.

“What can I do for you?” I asked.

“A pie and a blow job would be good thanks.” His heaving gut and paint-speckled 50-something-year-old chin wobbled as he laughed at his own joke.

I let out an awkward, bewildered, embarrassed giggle while my colleagues smirked.

In that moment – that horrible, humiliating moment – I realised that work would be different for me because I am a woman.

It goes without saying that my male colleagues wouldn’t have been subjected to the same repugnant response.

In my first office job, I never saw a male colleague being asked to make the coffee for meetings. It was me they asked. All. The. Time.

I’m pretty sure none of the guys at the next place I worked were sexually assaulted during lunch by someone 40 years their senior.

And of course no one in the boys club takes credit for your award-winning work when you’re one of the boys. But they sure as hell will if you’re the nerdy chick in the end office.

My stories – of which there are many more I could tell – are just droplets in the vast ocean of experiences had by working women, world over, on a daily basis. Modern workplaces are, in fact, not all that modern.

But the bit that really gets me is that I never did anything about any of it. The inappropriate comments, the stalking, the sexual assault, the exclusion, the bullying, the wage gap. I’m hardly a wallflower. I’m smart, confident and capable. But my younger self always felt like it wasn’t worth the trouble.

And therein lies the problem. To speak up causes trouble.

Women will never achieve work equality unless the environment changes. Employers must go miles beyond paying lip-service to diversity. They must actively address inherent bias. They must seek out women for promotion. They must put policies in place to get rid of the wage gap.

And they must go beyond condemnation of discrimination and harassment: employers must create a culture where the threshold for behavior is high, and reporting breaches is expected.

As women, we have to fight harder for ourselves, and for one another. We need to become experts at negotiating pay, leave, learning and development opportunities, and promotion. We must never let lecherous, inappropriate and dangerous sexual behavior go unreported. And we need to support and nurture one another to be our best selves at work.

The idea of my daughters being asked for a blow job at work makes me want to vomit. The optimist in me thinks we can change the chances of this happening. Who’s in?

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